Eagle-eyed followers were recently treated to Jon’s analysis of this seasons Head to Head draft among the Statr team. His insights were – as usual – entertaining, humourous, and completely wrong. I just couldn’t live with the idea that you, dear reader, would think this level of analysis is the norm here at Statr HQ. Oh no, we don’t all draft like we’ve just acquired a concussion. So, let’s take a look at two random teams he analysed. Totally random. Let’s take….oh…I don’t know… Jon’s team Bilbao Baggins and my (inevitably glory-coated) Aristocrats.
Bilbao Baggins – Shot for the moon, landed in the septic tank
Now, for anyone that missed it, he gave my team an overall draft rating of 6.6 despite 6 world class strikers. He then proceeded to give his motley crew of limping bench-farters and untested punts a 6.8. He rounded off this this misfiring cocktail with the same two mixers he reaches for every single year. Too many (four) Manchester United players (because that’s a club that’s really showing everyone how it’s done, isn’t it?) and far too many (two, they’re shite) Fulham players.
But let’s give his team a fair hearing here. Alisson and Pope are two absolute top drawer picks, barring injury. Even in this age of perpetual counter and high pressing, with student houses likely to have more clean sheets than the premier league these days, these boys serve as the perfect target for any draftsman once the Goalie round starts – The Siege Keeper.
Siege Keepers are the last line of defence in front of a poor (or otherwise occupied) first line of defence in the form of – you guessed it – defenders. Migrants from our big cousin site over on fantasy.premierleague.com may have noticed by now that if everyone is letting goals in, the keepers that are busy are the ones to have. Consider Ederson. Nobody with half a brain cell is going to argue that City’s defence is leaky. Far from it, their defence – heavily rotated as it is, and thanks once again Pep for keeping their players from being bankable asset – ensures that nothing gets near Ederson 99% of the time.
As for that 1%…didn’t we all love seeing Ipswich sneak one past them last weekend? I digress. The point is that in the old points system, you want a goalie to be completely left alone for 90m. However in the more in-depth scoring that we use at Statr, aerial interceptions, catches, saves…these all add up to high points for involvement rather than simple presence. Siege goalies manage to keep attacks out themselves, thereby racking up the points, where Sentinel goalies like Ederson probably wouldn’t let anything past them most of the time, but we won’t know because he’s playing behind the second-best defence in the premier league.
So on this front, with Liverpool’s defensive woes well-documented and Newcastle’s strongest backs either aging or suspended, he’s done pretty well. On to the defence…
…and the wheels start to squeak just a little. Sessegnon, likely to continue multiple seasons of mediocrity at firm mid-table bullshit bench burner favourite Fulham. Alexander-Arnold, the boy that nobody had a position for. Saliba, sure, well done. Stones, no problem as long as you don’t pick him until round 5, but it needs to be round 5 in 2022 because he’s fallen way, way out of favour in the City starting line-up. Maatsen, fine, but not even the best statistically at the back for Villa. Calafiori shows promise assuming he plays, as Arsenal’s defence is the last relic of the clean sheets age.
Midfield, sweet baby Jesus, what’s he done. Mainoo and Fernandes ensuring that Ten Haag woes are Jon woes. Smith-Rowe and Carvalho, two lads that see more time on the bench than your roided-out cousin’s insta feed. Enzo Fernandez, now captain of Chelsea, a club that manages to make United look cohesive. Room for one more? Throw in another United mid! Who’s left? Diallo? Ok, that’ll do.
And on to the attacking line-up. What do we have here…Rashford, obviously, because a total lack of engagement and one of the worst and most drawn out drop-offs in performance over 2 brutal years is the best place to start. Let’s proceed now to Ipswich by way of Delap, because everyone knows promotion forwards always work out great. Fulkrug! A big target man at West Ham, presumably because they want to do exciting things this year like move away from their other big target man, Michael Antonio (although to be fair, Antonio does have knees made out of bourbon creams). And finally it’s the solid but unreliable Cody Gakpo.
Aristocrats – the team to beat
It’s time to have another gaze upon the imperious majesty that is the initial Aristocrats line-up for 2024
The brilliance to choose bankable players. The instinct, to know how to draft beyond round 3. The bravery, to take optimistic chances where necessary and when appropriate. The strategic vision to not over-rely on any club, bar a slight lean towards my beloved Brighton (two from two and about to put manners on Arteta’s boys this weekend). Behold the majesty, and try to contain your elation at being alive in a time when such a squad exists:
Goalies : Ok, I concede that Hermansen was over-reaching, in that I hope Leicester stay up and I suspect they’ll do that despite their defence keeping him busy. But Leno is a Siege keeper of the highest and most bankable character. At the back, the blistering pace of Andersen (yes he’s gone to Fulham, shut up Jon), the attacking instincts of young Leif Davis, the endless creativity of Ben White, the nailed-on competence of Ethan Pinnock. And Kyle Walker might play , you never know.
The midfield has two mis-hits (both corrected since via external transfers) in Edozie – picked for a bit of attacking drive in an otherwise untouchable Southampton – and Barkley , who was outstanding for Luton last season but doesn’t appear to be filling the gap left behind by Douglas Luiz at Villa park, at least for the time being. But alongside them? Coaches favourites Maddison AND Mitoma, who both frankly deserved to be picked far sooner than they were. And for reliable appearances without the high injury risk of the previous two, Marcus Tavernier who still runs the centre of the pitch for Bournemouth.
And then we get to the jewels in the crown – my forwards. First round pick Mo Salah will finish in the top 10 for the year even with one leg ties behind his back. They laughed when I picked Jamie Vardy, which frankly I did because it was the last round, and he’s the only premier league player still on the board from when we started this thing back in 2014. Even I have no choice but to draft with my heart sometimes. Oh, and he scored 18 goals last season so I know he’s going to play. And what did he do in GW1? Why, scored the goal that prevented an expected defeat to the (snigger) mighty Spurs.
But two strikers doesn’t make an attack wing. Mbuemo, now – as predicted – the main man out front for Brentford while Ivan Toney furiously googles “Paddy Power Saudi Arabia”. Mateta, patchy but occasionally excellent striker for Crystal Palace. And finally, the ninja seagull himself. Give him those last 20 minutes and he’ll put the opposition on their arse, it’s Brighton hero Joao Pedro.
Before we get to my favourite part (the numbers), let’s do a quick side-by-side by position.
Head-to-Head
Keepers
Jon has this round, with two excellent choices against my one. No argument there.
Defenders
3 excellent picks for me, with one possible gem on his way out to stud (Walker) and one semi-reliable donkey (Pinnock). Jon matches Walker with the equally slowing Stones, Trent and Saliba good picks, and then two wastes of everyone’s time (Maatsen, Sessegnon) and the potentially promising Calafiori. I’d call this one a scoring draw, but only because Jon has the extra player in the blue box.
Midfielders
My weakest selection point, and it still has higher highlights than Jon’s MUFC fetish. Bruno aside, Jon’s not likely to get 30 games out of any of these lads, and I’ll be amazed if any of them break 5 goals and 5 assists this season. I, on the other hand, have Mitoma and Maddison, either of whom beats Bruno on their bad days. And yes, I made some errors, but Tavernier still beats Jon’s line-up of mediocrity too. Once again, he’s got the extra player in the middle, so I’ll call this one a fractional win for me in that my mids will average higher than his.
Forwards
Looking at Delap, Fulkrug, Rashford and Gakpo, I genuinely struggle to see how any of the four will outscore any of my six out front, with the possible exception of Gakpo over Vardy if injuries strike, or over Havertz if Arsenal finally buy a proper 10, both of which are highly circumstantial. It’s a 6-0 massacre here, and I’d bet that it’ll be how I massively outscore Jon throughout the season. And I don’t have to, because we can just have a look at how it’s been going…
The story so far.
Game week 2 has just finished, and here’s our overall scores so far:
Aristocrats : 230.63
Bilbao Baggins : 175.38
Now, the eagle-eyed among you will notice that I’m almost 50% ahead of Jon week by week so far. And for those of you that aren’t quite so number-driven as I am, a, welcome to Statr and b, 230.63 is a higher number than 175.38. This means, that in technical terms, my team is what’s known as “better” than Jon’s team, because my boys score more points than his do. Because his team is terrible. And mine is excellent.
I’ll do my best to keep you all up to date with the failures, follies and fumbles of Bilbao Baggins., but the best way to see what’s happening at Statr is to Join the journey. Remember – the numbers are everything.
Oh and Jon? That’s why you call me The Commissioner.
Jimi Kavanagh
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