Southampton have achieved the football equivalent of diving headfirst into a brick wall. They’ve just become the first team in Premier League history to get relegated with seven matches still left to play. Not even Derby County’s legendary trainwreck of 2007-08 managed that as they took their fight into game week 32. But Southampton? They’ve already booked their tickets for the Championship’s budget flights before the Easter eggs hit the shelves. Shocking stuff, but let’s break it down.
Setting New Lows
Sunday’s 3-1 defeat to Tottenham Hotspur confirmed the inevitable, with 17th-placed Wolves’ 2-1 win over Ipswich Town on Saturday sealing Southampton’s fate. Ivan Juric’s side now sits a tragic 22 points adrift of safety, which is the footballing equivalent of being asked to swim the Channel with lead boots on.
The stats are grim. They’re on 10 points, still desperately trying to claw their way past Derby’s 11-point record-low from 2007-08. That Derby side was a mess, but at least they managed to take the embarrassment all the way to the finish line. Southampton’s campaign is like a disaster movie where the hero gives up halfway through and just sits on the floor, sobbing. Kind of like Jimi at the end of every single year of our soon to be released fantasy football game, but more on that later (Editor’s note – latest odds on Jon beating Jimi in this week’s cup final are a squillion to one. Enjoy the bit before I beat you. I’ll enjoy the bit afterwards – Jimi).
Managerial Bingo
Southampton’s managerial merry-go-round is more out of control than a Student Night dancefloor during RAG week. Russell Martin was binned off in December after his possession-focused, ‘pretty football’ philosophy turned out to be as effective as a chocolate teapot. He wanted to do a Kompany and get a big job based on his “philosophy” while getting a team relegated in style. It backfired. Badly. Across his 16 Premier League matches, Southampton made 16 errors leading to a shot and a further 11 leading to a goal. Ramsdale in nets is a few short relegations away from breaking Ben Fosters unfortunate record of being the player with the most drops from the top league. He’s actually better than that in my opinion, the man needs a good move to revive a flagging career. Martin was determined to make his style work, like a stubborn child trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.
His replacement, Ivan Juric, hasn’t fared much better. In his 13 matches, they’ve racked up 12 errors leading to shots and a further eight leading to goals. Their defensive third has been like a charity giveaway, with opponents queuing up to take what they want.
Changing managers so often is like trying to cook a roast dinner by constantly changing the temperature on the oven. No consistency, just burnt potatoes and disappointment. And it’s not like the replacements have brought in any fresh ideas. It’s more like swapping one useless gadget for another, just with different packaging.
A Team That Couldn’t Cut It
Southampton’s squad is the perfect example of what happens when you throw together a mix of youngsters, Championship-grade players, and the odd talent who just wishes they were somewhere else. James Ward-Prowse and Tyler Dibling are the lone bright spots, but surrounded by teammates who’d struggle to trap a bag of sand.
From strikers who couldn’t hit the ocean from a boat to defenders who think marking is something you do with a pencil, it’s a comedy of errors, and not the good kind of comedy. It’s more like a school play where everyone forgets their lines and someone accidentally sets fire to the curtains. They’ve managed to lose 25 of their first 31 games, a record only Sunderland (2005-06) and Sheffield United (2020-21) have matched. The goal difference of -51 is also keeping Derby’s ghost alive, and with seven games to go, that number is likely to get worse.
Stat Attack
The numbers are brutal. Southampton have conceded 20 or more shots in 12 matches this season. That’s only three short of Sheffield United’s 2023-24 record for the most by a team in a 38-game Premier League season. Oh, and Sheffield United also conceded 104 goals that year. So, you know, Southampton are in good company.
As for the whole ‘coming from behind’ thing? Forget it. They’ve taken just one point from losing positions all season. The 2007-08 Derby side managed three, while even Sheffield United in 2023-24 pulled four points from the ashes. Norwich City’s 2019-20 team still holds the crown for the worst comeback record, but Southampton aren’t far behind.
Possession stats, passing accuracy, shots on target…it’s all irrelevant if you keep coughing up the ball like a toddler refusing their medicine. And Southampton have been the sickly kid of the Premier League this season, coughing and spluttering their way towards a record nobody wants.
A Legacy of Failure?
Comparing Southampton’s numbers to the worst Premier League sides of the last two decades is like comparing a stubbed toe to a full-blown leg amputation. Derby County’s 2007-08 catastrophe remains the gold standard for Premier League failure, but Southampton are pushing them hard and there is a very very good chance they won’t pick up that 1 point needed to equal that abysmal record. Do they become a super dangerous team of players looking out for number 1 and a move away in the summer? Let’s wait and see. Unless they can somehow scrape together two points from their remaining games, they’ll be remembered as the biggest joke in top-flight history.
At least the fans are embracing the madness. Singing “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, we’re going to Coventry” as their team stumbled to another defeat shows a dark humour Southampton supporters have been forced to cultivate.
So, Are They The Worst?
Well, they’ve got seven games left to prove otherwise. But if they keep this form up, the only thing they’ll be remembered for is just how hilariously bad they were. Sorry, Saints fans. Better luck next century.
And hey, if Southampton’s season sounds like your fantasy football nightmare, maybe it’s time to switch to StatrDraft—where your tactical brilliance (or shambolic disaster) actually counts. Game on folks.
Jon Harrison, April 2025
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